InsaneJournal

Without You
The next five months, various locations.



Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows

The week after he dies is the hardest of her life. She can't believe he's gone, she'll never see him again, that she was too high to help him, that she never got to say goodbye...

She's illing, she needs a hit, but can't bring herself to do it. She holds the needle against her skin but all she can see is him, her mind supplying images of the needle in his arm, of him struggling to breathe, adding them to the images she had: his glazed expression-

Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play

The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you

The funeral passes in a blur, she feels like the church is suffocating. She vaguely remembers being hugged by his mother, and definitely remembers yelling at April when she turned up. She thinks maybe Benny got rid of her, but she definitely knows her boyfriend hung around, because he came up to her in the graveyard and tried to sell to her.

"I can see you need it, babe. Discounted, obviously, given the circumstances..."

She bought it, she did need it, but all she could see was Roger, and it killed her to do it.

Mark and Benny sat her down, told her they'd signed her up for a clinic. She agreed to go, and within a fortnight of losing him, she was going through withdrawal.

The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you

Pain. Nothing but pain. She sat, sweating and doubled over in pain in the clinical white bathroom, shaking and crying, wanting nothing more than for Roger to come and carry her back home, to his bed, and hold her.

But she was alone, he was never coming to help her again.

Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves

Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash

The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you

The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you

It's hard. So hard, to kick it, to tell her body she doesn't need it anymore. And her mind - she doesn't want to want it anymore, all she can see is Roger, lying there, so unlike him--

But damn, she misses the feeling after shooting up, and particularly on days when she misses him more than anything, she would kill to forget for a few hours.

But she makes it. She gets clean.

The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you

Three months later, and she's back in Alphabet City. Everyone's happy to have her back. There's someone else living in her apartment, but Mark's alone in the loft.

"You could always stay in Benny's old room," he offers, his tone light. Mimi can tell he's lonely, that he misses Roger as much as she does. And maybe she's a link to him, like the loft is. Which is why he hasn't moved.

"I don't know if I can," she admits, and Mark nods. "But I can give it a try," she says. He smiles gratefully, and Mimi's heart breaks for him.

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats

Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe

The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you

As it turns out, she likes it. Roger was happy here, and so was she, with him. Some days it's really hard to be where he was, other days its the only thing that gets her through.

Many nights are spent talking with Mark, and it helps, it really does.

It's been five months now. Almost half a year. Nearly Christmas...

She's working at the Cat Scratch Club again, another place full of memories. Slowly, very slowly, life goes back to something resembling normalcy.

Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die
Without you

But she misses him, every day. Slowly, the pain eases, becomes less acute, duller, something she can live with. But it's never going to go away, not completely.